Chinese eating traditions and customs = EXHAUSTING

One of the things that I love and hate about my Chinese culture is the traditions/customs.  I love it because it's fed from a rich history that stems back thousands of years.  I hate it because I find it irrelevant to modern society and at times very stressful.

As someone who did not grow up as an adult in China, you can probably understand my frustration of leaving this country as a child and being expected to behave like a child and coming back now as an adult and being expected to behave like a Chinese adult.

Case in point: we go out to dinner with some of my dad's colleagues.  Now, American culture is very...for a lack of a better word...selfish.  You order your own food, you sit wherever you want, you talk about whatever's on your mind, and then you pay for yourself (most of the time).  In Chinese culture, going out to dinner with non-family members is like putting on a full production:

- GIFTING: You never show up empty handed, especially if you go over to someone's house.  Usually, fruit and high-end tea are the norm, but as a family coming back from the US, American gifts are expected, such as nuts (I'm not sure why), dried fruit, and a recent popular phenomenon, Coach purses.

- REVERSE GIFTING: Because the "hosts" know the invitees will bring gifts, there's a tradition of reverse-gifting, where they'll also gift the guests.  These gifts usually consist of something for the women or the children of the family - toys or silk scarves seem to be the norm.

- REPEAT GIFTING: As if that wasn't enough, you have to keep track of what you gift to each person because you never want to repeat the same type of gift.  I swear my mom has an excel spreadsheet in her head to keep track because   she'll know like clockwork, "can't give them nuts, we gave them that last time.  Dired fruit it is."

- SEATING: Now that we finally have the gifts in order, how about we sit down?  Oh no, you can't just sit anywhere you want.  The "guest of honor" or the eldest guest sits at the head of the table.  If the head of the table is not exactly clear, then the most desirable seat is the seat that is farthest away from door, clear of all traffic.  The seat is not the most complicated part, the most complicated part is who should sit there.  There's usually a "fight" for who should sit there because everyone's too "humble" to take the spot.

- TOASTING & POURING: This is where I tend to screw up the most.  The youngest at the table is suppose to pour for everyone else at the table, whether it be tea or wine.  The youngest adult is also suppose to toast the guests - saying pretty things like, "To a healthy and young forever."  I don't know how to say those things in Chinese, so I always just end up saying, "Happy Holidays" even when it's not the holidays.

- OVER ORDERING: This is the fun part.  This is where you try to make everyone as fat and bloated as possible.  As the person who is designated to order (usually the host), his/her job is to over order so that everyone ends up with Diabetes.  You have to follow a formula of ordering a little bit of everything: fish, meat, cold dishes, hot dishes, a soup, noodles, and fruit.  Everything is served family-style and most likely, not vegetarian-friendly.  There's not usually a habit of ordering a dessert at the end, but trust me you wouldn't have room for dessert anyway.

- FIGHTING TO PAY: I wish I could create a musical for the way Chinese people fight for the tab.  The fact is, everyone genuinely wants to pay.  There's no such thing as the "fake reach."  So at the end of the meal, while everyone's already stressed and bloated, the tension builds as the check comes and everyone tackles it like a football.  There's usually some polite tugging and pleas of why they should pay ("I'm paying because you're my guest."  "You can't pay, you're my boss."  "Let me pay, I picked this restaurant").  Oy vey.  Someone does always prevail and everyone breathes a sign of relief.

Let me tell you, this is just half of it.  There's other things like, how the head of the fish has to face the eldest person.  There's a specific order in which the tea should be poured.  Etc etc, the list goes on and on.  And frankly, it's so irrelevant today but still expected to some degree.  I love to eat, but not when we raise the red lantern and revert back to the Tang Dynasty.